on goodbyes

i'm the first to admit about myself that i'm great at starting things, decent at follow through, and absolutely horrible at endings. this includes goodbyes. lately i've had that sick feeling in my stomach that feels like hunger but no food could possibly satiate. okay maybe a lot of mac n cheese and pizza, but i'm going for dramatic affect here. the feeling comes from knowing that i have to make sacrifices no matter what i decide to do in my life, but i'm never really prepared for them. i know perfectly well that i shouldn't have come to visit new york, but i felt like i had to. call me a glutton for punishment, but i tend to live in the past and have a bad habit of revisiting it. though instead of finding my past this time, i actually have been glimpsing an alternate future that i didn't expect and i don't totally hate.

i've been hearing reflective stories lately from a girl that reminds me of myself. stories that i think not many would want to hear, but i think i understand them in a way that only someone like us could. if anything, hearing them has helped me to understand a little bit more why i've done a lot of the same things. why i've been as secretive as i have. and why i'm in the same position of trying to stay afloat in my own bad ideas and trying not to get sucked underneath by an undertow of regret. i know how it feels to be so tired of barely treading water that sometimes you say fuck it and sink for awhile. i meant it when i said that i respect your good intentions. i think i just wish that, for once, timing was on my side.

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