misplaced distrust.

outbreak @ the hideaway
johnson city, TN 11/30

i don't trust kind people, and even worse sometimes i even look down on them. i grew up being friends with kids who bonded through shit talking and insults, we trashed eachother and pushed eachothers buttons always. it probably wasnt the most positive environment, and a lot of times i ended up not being able to take it and really hating myself... its because of that environment that i am able to be a mean person. my wit is pretty sharp when i want it to be, especially when im confident but this isnt always bad; i think that defense mechanisms are just one method of survival. however when i encounter truly kind people, those who are giving and have no pretention or want anything out of their interaction with me, i clam up. i get defensive and insulting and try to act 'cool'. i find myself drawn to people who are assholes, and sometimes even to be who don't like me, simply because im used to a certain amount of coldness and social distrust, especially pretentiousness.

i really hope i get over this, because i hate the fact that i push people away for no good reason at all.